What was I thinking about earlier today? I can never be as clear and articulate with my thoughts when I go to document them as earlier in the day when they came into my head.
So... here is an amalgam of thoughts, troubles, worries, insights and misunderstandings (what did I hear today on the radio? Bright Eyes... "Till all that remains is a staircase of misinformation.")
Teaching is definitely new. And being new at it, I inevitably recieve the "knowing" -- or in some cases NOT knowing -- looks. At a fundraising gala for the school I was told, "how lucky are you -- to have a job like this right out of college!" and various remarks related to my age -- and also to the fact that I am currently single. One lady (who in every other way was certainly very nice to keep the poor-little-art-teacher-who-didn't-know-anyone company) told me all about an online and out-doorsy dating website for young Catholics. "So many young men tell me that they can't find good Catholic girls out there anymore!" to which I laughed. Right, right! No, no... they're just not looking in the right places. Apparently. I can stand on top of a table, a mountain, a really really tall building and wave my hands around and yell at the top of my lungs but they still wouldn't see me.
It's an effort to prove myself; I've hardly even started yet. Just don't misunderstand me -- this is a wonderful opportunity and in no way does it go underappreciated in my book. Not at all. But each class is different, as to whether the students will listen to me or not, enjoy the class or not, actually absorb and retain any of the information I'm trying to impart, or not. What a way to go about things.
My dear mother ran into my highschool math teacher -- in fact an old friend of theirs and she told him about this teaching job of mine. Teaching art -- and for some reason he laughed. I'm still not quite sure why.
I am attempting to rewire my brain. I'm beginning to put together the puzzle pieces of what exactly goes wrong with myself. Part of it is that I take myself WAY too seriously. Especially my art. Not the physical stuff, the canvases with the paint or the papers with the charcoal. The fact of my art, the ideas and inspirations and "deep thoughts" that I display nakedly to the world. I take it all SO seriously -- and it's true that it is a very big part of myself and everytime I show it to people I get an unrest deep inside and a a little queasy in the stomach -- but I am so very bothered by people's opinions of it. I want it to be good, I want people to appreciate it, to make me feel justified and worthwhile throught these little paintings and drawings I work so hard at. I take it all so seriously; I need to learn to be humble. I am not the creator, really just the executor of this gift and I've got to learn to stop taking all the credit. In my heart-of-hearts I know this; of course I do, as so much of what comes to me that begs to be put down on canvas is a small piece of God's grace. Only my ego doesn't want to admit it.
Not only do I take myself too seriously, but other people as well. If I could suddenly and inexplicably turn my skin from epidermis to elastomer, life would be much easier and the rude comments and evil eyes would bounce right off my back.
And all of this is much easier said than done.
She (St. Edith Stein, Teresa Benedicta of the Cross) says it so much more eloquently :
"God is there in these moments of rest and can give us in a single instant exactly what we need. Then the rest of the day can take its course, under the same effort and strain, perhaps, but in peace. And when night comes and you look back over the day and see how fragmentary everything has been, and how much you planned that has gone undone, and all the reasons you have to be embarrassed and ashamed: just take everything as it is, put it in God's hands and leave it with Him. Then you will be able to rest in Him -- really rest -- and start the next day as a new life."
It is all about the unrest. Unrest with my job, my lack of finances, my dwellings, my family, friends, (the weather)... life in general. Unrest with the world -- innocent lives taken in Egypt and incredible instability in Libya and everywhere. Unrest with the government, the economy, public education. Unrest begins to take on a completely different meaning. Something much bigger, threatening to swallow everything whole.
More to follow.
