Phew! Glad I got that off my chest

I think I can safely say... that no matter what moronic things I've done lately...
I have never licked a spark plug.

"He had a mouth like a hippolatamus!"

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

Narrator: "Joining Larry are Pa Grape and Mr. Lunt, who together make up
the infamous gang of scalliwags, the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!"
Larry, Pa, Mr. Lunt: "We are the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything! We just
stay home and lie around. And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just
tell you ..."
Larry: "We don't do anything!"
Pa: "Well, I've never been to Greenland and I've never been to Denver, and
I've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul, and I've never been
to Moscow and I've never been to Tampa, and I've never been to Boston in
the fall."
All: "'Cuz we're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay home
and lie around. And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you..."
Mr. Lunt: "We don't do anything. And I never hoist the mainstay and I
never swab the poop deck, and I never veer to starboard 'cuz I never
sail at all, and I've never walked the gang plank and I've never owned a
parrot, and I've never been to Boston in the fall."
All: "'Cuz we're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay at home
and lie around. And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you... We don't do anything!"
Larry: "Well, I've never plucked a rooster and I'm not too good at
ping-pong, and I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall,
and I've never kissed a chipmunk and I've never gotten head lice, and
I've never been to Boston in the fall!"
Pa: "Huh? What are you talking about? What's a rooster and mashed
potatoes have to do with being a pirate??"
Mr. Lunt: "Hey, that's right! We're supposed to sing about pirate-y
things!"
Larry: "Oh ..."
Pa: "And who ever kissed a chipmunk? That's just nonsense! Why even
bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?"
Mr. Lunt: "I think you look like Cap'n Crunch!"
Pa: "Huh? No I don't!"
Mr. Lunt: "Do too."
Pa: "Do not!"
Mr. Lunt: "You're making me hungry."
Pa: "That's it, you're walkin' the plank!"
Mr. Lunt: "Says who?"
Pa: "Says the captain, that's who!"
Mr. Lunt: "Oh, yeah? Aye aye, Cap'n Crunch!"
Larry: "And I've never licked a spark plug and I've never sniffed a
stink bug, and I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball, and
I've never bathed in yogurt and I don't look good in leggings ..."
Pa: "You just don't get it!"
All: "And we've never been to Boston in the fall!"

The Banana Phone Song

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
Banana phone
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
Banana phone
I've got this feeling
so appealing
for us to get together and sing - SING!
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
Banana phone
Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding
Donana phone
It grows in bunches
I've got my hunches
Its the best
beats the rest
cellular modular
interactivodular
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
Banana phone
Ping pong ping pong ping pong ping
Ponana phone
Its no baloney
It aint a phony
My cellular
Bananular phone
Don't need quarters
don't need dimes
to call a friend of mine
dont need computer or tv
to have a real good time
I'll call for pizza
I'll call my cat
I'll call the whitehouse, have a chat
I'll place a call around the world
Operator get me beijing jing jing jing
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
Banana phone
Ying yang ying yang ying yang ying
Yanana phone
It's a real live mama and papa phone
a brother and sister and a dogaphone
a grandpa phone and a grandma phone too - oh yeah
my cellular bananular phone
Banana phone
ring... ring... ring...
Its a phone with appeal (a peel)
Banana phone
ring... ring... ring...
Now you can have your phone and eat it too
Banana phone
ring... ring... ring...
This song drives me .... bananas
Banana phone
ring... ring... ring...
Bo ba do ba do do doob

MUAH HA HA!

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!

I've been saying this to people all day.
Don't ask me why.
I like bananas.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

SNOW DAY!

Oh! The places you'll go!

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

---Dr. Seuss

Will there really be a morning?

Will there really be a morning?
Is there such a thing as day?
Could I see it from the mountains
If I were as tall as they?
Has it feet like waterlilies?
Has it feathers like a bird?
Is it brought from famous countries
Of which I have never heard?
Oh some scholar!
Oh some sailor!
Oh some wiseman from the skies!
Please tell a little pilgrim
Where the place called morning lies!
Emily Dickinson

M&M's... taste the flavor explosion... literally.

This needs to be documented.
M&M's are literally dangerous... be careful who is in your company when you have an unopened bag.
Have you ever witnessed a bag of M&M's explode? The plain--not the peanut. That would've been worse.
Innocently, I mimicked smashing a bag (the full-size bag) of colorful-crunchy-shelled-milk-chocolatey-goodness upon my friend Geoff's head. Why? I honestly don't know why. I'm not a psychologist... and neither are you. Anyway... Geoff seemed to like this idea. I know now I should've been very afraid at this response. But, unfortunately, I wasn't. (again... I am not a psychologist and neither are you.) He innocently asked me whether or not I cared if he did indeed smash the bag upon his head. Innocently, I replied that indeed, I did not. Once again, a warning alarm should've been going on in my brain, and again... it didn't. So Geoff twisted the bag in his left hand and smashed it onto his head.
It exploded.
All over the caf. (The definition of 'all over' in this context means, from the farthest corner of the caf where we were sitting, right down to the first door into the food area... need I say that's a large area to cover.) I'm sure I'm exagerrating when I say it sounded like a small bomb going off... but it kind of did. M&M's littered the floor and tables.
So... the moral of this story is... primarily, anything (even innocent pieces of colorful-crunchy-shelled-milk-chocolatey-goodness) can be dangerous around insane people. Only later did I recall that this was the guy who innocently aided in blowing up a gasoline-filled watermelon. Hmm... sooner or later, I'm going to need a therapist.
I hope you have appreciated this highly-dramatised reminiscence of yesterday's main event. My hopes are that your friends are as incredibly, insanely awesome as mine.
Happy Monday!

Bloody Heck

Today, I am a disaster waiting to happen.