Bubble

I need to keep going. I need to keep my spirits up. I need to stop feeling so stupid when I make a mistake. Mistakes help us grow. Imagine how stunted we'd be if we were so careful to avoid mistakes. Gotta keep telling myself that. Positive. I need to stay positive.
If there really is a wheel of fortune, I'm near the bottom now but I know it keeps spinning. I may be at the top again soon. I may have to hit the bottom first, but sooner or later I will achieve a height again. Reality isn't so bad. I still have my bubble, even if it isn't as spacious as it used to be.
Hey, it sounds pathetic, but we all have our little comfort bubbles, right? You can gloat and say you don't have one, or yours is little because you've grown and matured away from your initial comfort zone. But we all have our little necessary securities. Isn't that all we strive for, anyway? Life is about that security: financially, socially, spiritually... through a good job, a steady paycheck, a spouse and family, an identifiable faith (or at least a "faith community.")
Despite what people say about college being the period before a young adult enters the "real world", college is an unsteady place because you're constantly faced with the "where" and the "what" questions. "Where are you going to be after college?" and "What will you do with your life?" One may choose to ignore these scary questions, but they're still there... in the back of your mind. To leap into the lions den of "real life" in order to obtain that security is terrifying for some.
Me? I still have a good four to six years of education. We never stop learning, right? One step at a time. My bubble is still pretty big.

Big and Bright

1 Corinthians

Though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains and have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor and though I give my body to be burned and have not love, it profiteth me nothing. Love suffereth and love is kind. Love envieth not. Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But when I became a man, I put away childish things. But now abideth faith, hope, love... these three.
But the greatest of these is love.

Pff.

Message inside my Fortune Cookie:
"expect the unexpected in your love life."
I laughed.

Per Te

Rubbish

Her friend often said that men who played the cello were sexy. She replied that this generalization could be applied to all violins or string instruments, and she firmly believed that statement.
It was embarrassing, but she still enjoyed remembering the evening she ushered at the play. It was an important event-- crazy alumni who paid 250+ for center seats meant the department had to dress it up a bit. The house manager had a box full of old theatre costume pieces: hats, gloves, vests, scarves... all to snazz up the drab black usher uniforms. The supervisor, a funny woman the entire department adored, handed her a big black top hat with a sparkling silver band over the brim. "Put it on," her supervisor demanded. "If I have to wear one, so do you!" She put the hat on, laughing at every one's gleeful expressions and silly remarks. That's when he walked by, violin and music stand in hand... perfect timing, she thought, and she knew her face had taken on a pinker hue. What boggled her more was that her manager assigned her to door 2, right outside of the little string quartet. He sat almost directly across from her, where she stood feverishly steering her mind towards the job at hand. Still, she couldn't help staring... watching them play. If only she could just sit and listen and not deal with rich, crabby jackasses demanding her attention. The music was beautiful, even if it was meant for the said asses and not for her. She wanted to kick that jerk in the face when he goaded her for spacing out. Let me hear the music, dammit! She clenched her teeth. Then the manager signaled for the house to close and the play to begin. The violinists were gone. She yanked the stupid carpeted doors shut and stomped down the hall.
Why was fate constantly landing her in his presence without allowing her a reason or opportunity for introduction? She would settle for anything, which was pathetic in every meaning of the word. In fact, her picture accompanied its definition in the 2006 edition of the Merriam-Webster pocket dictionary. How is that for an applied example?
Well, she was definitely giving herself all four hours of the shift on her time card. Ha.
Dammit.

Not cooperating

There are those of us who possess the genius of a truly uncooperative attitude.
These are mostly children.

gibberish

So there I was, driving myself home at a quarter to ten on a Friday night. It was crazy how I found myself alone on that long stretch of road; no one blinding me ahead, and no obnoxiously bright lights in the rear view mirror. That beautiful curve of street was empty due to the below zero temp, from folks either sensible enough to take advantage of a warm evening indoors, or too wimpy to brave the cold (good old Minnesota; just when you start to wonder about Global Warming, it reminds you of the good ol' days with an impressive blast of freezing weather.) Either way, for about three minutes it was just me in the car, suddenly impressed by the smooth drive and the faraway hilltop of lit windows. The moon, a day away from full, sent stretching shadows across the road over the treetops and a wide lake divided the highway from its quiet little residential neighborhood.
And then, of course, the short little calming spell was over and an over-cautious idiot blinded me with his brights from behind. Humph. Who needs the sudden jerk back into reality? Not me.

Another thought struck me tonight on that long ride home.
I've decided that I've been looking too hard--every minute, in every place-- for what most of my friends are so self-centered with. I need to stop looking. I need to distract myself with my own life, as it is now. The present is what's important. The past is gone and the future is impossible to predict. I need to be content with concentrating on what's important in the moment, in the day. It sounds cliché, but I need to stop obsessing and get my priorities straight; no more romanticizing. No time.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

If I'm going to stop obsessing, I need to get up the courage. There's only one chance, and it isn't as though I'd lose anything by trying.