Abtoxious

I'm not usually this negative. Really. I've tried to put the complaining aside and laugh about everything, since lately everyone's been telling me that's the way to stay healthy. And sane.

But the frustration has really begun to build up. It has so much to do with this college! I'm starting to dislike the people here. I feel like I can't be myself! Especially when it comes to the one thing I love, and that is making art.

I mean, I was really starting to branch out and try new things and challenge myself at the BCA. There, my work felt SO dull and "traditional," when everyone was so free and easy expressing themselves in any way they could. I had a very long conversation with a friend about it, as he is more of a traditionalist where fine art is concerned. But then, at the end of the semester, I felt like I'd really accomplished something; I was moving in a new and exciting direction.

And then I come back to Gustavus.
And suddenly I feel all these odd expressions and weird comments when it's my turn to have my work critiqued. It's all, "what is this supposed to mean?" "why did you do it this way and not this way?" "why did you decide to repaint that?" "why not try this? I think it would work better." Every single minute detail broken apart and analyzed and DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN GRANT ME PATIENCE.
Honestly. Do I really have to explain every little aspect of a painting to you in order for it to make sense? I hate critiques with the art department profs, but especially with the other art majors. I don't feel I should HAVE to explain why I included representational aspects and abstract aspects, or why that eye in that portrait is painted that color and not some other color. REALLY. It's just so much like... talking about your work until it doesn't even feel like it's yours anymore -- it's alien. Foreign. ALL of the sublimity gone out of it, and now it's empty.

Why is that necessary? Geez, I've never had this problem before. I guess that's because I never tried anything different before. It's always been... same ol', same ol'... just what everyone else is doing. Whatever happened to innovations? Creativity?
GUSTAVUS: you have sucked the energy, the money AND the ingenuity out of me.